Relapses happen. And it hurts like hell to watch a loved one go through it. You thought this
chapter was behind you, that things were finally moving in the right direction. And now it feels
like you’re right back at square one. But you’re not. And they’re not. Not even close.
You might be wondering, how common is a relapse? Well, be it an alcohol relapse or a drug
relapse, it’s far more common than you’d think. The road to recovery isn’t always straight and
flat—people often stumble. But that doesn’t mean they’ve lost all the ground they’ve
covered. They’ve already come a long way—they just need help finding their footing and
moving forward.
So if you’re wondering what to do after a relapse, here’s what actually helps—and what
doesn’t.
1. Don’t Pile on the Shame
Nobody hates a substance abuse relapse more than the person who just had one. If you’re
thinking, “They should feel bad. They need to know what they’ve done,” trust me—they already
do.
There’s even a name for it: the abstinence violation effect. When someone slips, the guilt can
hit so hard that instead of stopping, they spiral—thinking, “Screw it, I’ve already failed, might as
well go all in.”
“It’s easy to think that if they wanted to stop, they would just stop,” says Agy
Wielechowski, a case manager at Footprints to Recovery. “But it isn’t that simple at
all. In fact, drug and alcohol relapse is a common part of addiction recovery.”
What NOT to say:
❌ “How could you do this to me? You were doing so well.”
❌ “You’re ruining your life and this family.”
What actually helps:
✅ “I know this is hard. Let’s figure out what to do next.”
✅ “I’m here, but we need to talk about where to go from here.”
Relapse doesn’t mean they’ve thrown everything away. It means they need help adjusting,
refocusing, and getting back on track.
2. Give Yourself a Minute Before You React
Yes, relapse symptoms affect you, too. And no, you don’t have to push your emotions aside.
Your feelings matter. But unloading all that frustration on them right now won’t help.
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm,” Wielechowski says. You are
ALLOWED to take a step back and breathe before having this conversation.
Ways to get your head straight before you talk:
✔ Write it down—dump out all the emotions first.
✔ Vent to a friend who won’t just stir the pot.
✔ Take a walk, hit the gym, clear your head.
Then, when you're ready, stick to “I” statements so it doesn’t turn into a fight:
💬 “I’m upset and worried, and I don’t know how to help. Can we talk about what happens
next?”
3. Boundaries: Support Without Enabling
Loving someone doesn’t mean making it easier for them to stay stuck. That’s what boundaries
are about—not punishment, not “tough love,” but accountability.
Clear boundaries let them know: I care about you, but I won’t support the addiction
🚫 “I won’t pay for anything that enables your using.”
🚫 “You can’t stay here if you’re actively drinking or using.”
🚫 “I won’t cover for you at work, with family, or anywhere else.”
What to say instead:
💬 “I love you, and I want to support your recovery. But I can’t support the behaviors that keep
you stuck.”
“The recovery process can be a hard and long road,” says Wielechowski. “But with
time and the proper tools, you and your loved one can heal.”
Holding boundaries isn’t about being harsh—it’s about protecting yourself and giving them a
reason to step back toward recovery
4. Encourage Help, But Don’t Force It
Here’s the reality—you can’t make them want recovery. That has to come from them. But you
CAN make sure they know what’s available.
If it was just a slip, they might need:
✅ More therapy
✅ A recovery group (AA, SMART Recovery, etc.)
✅ A relapse prevention plan to stop this from happening again
If they’re back in full-blown addiction, they may need treatment
“This is actually a great opportunity to look back at the last few weeks or months
and try to figure out if there were any situations that may have triggered the
relapse,” says Wielechowski. “Relapse can be an opportunity to strengthen their
recovery.”
What you CAN do:
✔ Offer to help research relapse prevention strategies or treatment options.
✔ Let them know you’ll support their recovery—but not their addiction.
✔ Remind them that relapse isn’t failure, but staying stuck is a choice
What you CAN’T do:
Drag them to a meeting, rehab, or therapy session. They have to be willing to do the work
5. Take Care of YOU Too
Loving someone with an addiction is exhausting. If you don’t take care of yourself, you WILL
burn out.
✔ Get enough sleep, eat, move—sounds basic, but it matters.
✔ Find people who get it (Al-Anon, therapy, close friends).
✔ Do things that bring you peace—music, the ocean, a book, whatever works.
“You are not responsible for other people’s actions or emotions,” says
Wielechowski. “And they are not responsible for yours.”
You can’t control their choices. You CAN control how you take care of yourself.
The Bottom Line
Relapse isn’t the end. It’s a setback. A lesson. What happens next is what counts
They have a choice—to stay down or to get back up.
You have a choice too—to support them without losing yourself in the process.
But you don’t have to do this alone. If you or someone you love is struggling, we can help.
📖 Learn more about how we help people find lasting recovery:
https://miraclesasia.com/residential-rehab/
